-Life-

There are moments in life that make you,

and moments in life that break you.

There are moments in life that influence you,

and moments in life that change you.

There are moments in life that challenge you,

and moments in life that inspire you.

There are moments in life that crush you,

and moments in life that destroy you.

There are moments in life of total peace,

and moments in life of total chaos.

But you have to remember,

Nothing is permanent, everything is temporary.

-Anon-

fuck you...

fuck you and your mentally unstable deposition.....

fuck you and your words....

fuck you and your retardness....

fuck you and your lack of humor....

fuck you and your inconsiderateness....

fuck you and your selfish ways....

fuck you and your judgmental ways....

this is an overall get the fuck outta my life tribute.....

there....i feel much betta now....=)

...[*the funny thingz in life*]...

its funny ryte...

how when your a control freak...

that one moment you let go...

you regret...

its funny ryte...

how when you allow ureself to think maybe...

and convince yourself that it just might work...

you regret...

its funny ryte...

how when you become a believer...

from being a non...

you regret...

its funny ryte...

how all this hype is built up...

then when it all crashes...

you regret...

its funny ryte...

when something good is in front of us...

and we choose to ignore it for the latter...

you regret...

and the funniest thing is...

how when you decide to take a chance...

and you leap in with both feet...

ignoring the past...

hoping it would be different...

you regret totally...

lifez funny like that...

..lost..

i cant do this anymore.

i dont feel like me.

i just cant.

im getting emo.

i just really cant.

itz not much, but the possibility of the pain is back.

...-blank-...

feelin a bit shyt ryte about now....i dunno....i just am....i like just dont know how to deal with everything...i just dont fcukin get it...do i seem bloody invisble??...i guess standing next to her i do...itz not anyonez fault...i guess you just dont get to choose whud you want to feel....but it still...*sighz*...i dont know....itz very mixed i guess...very...i feel invisble..im not there..i dont want to be...i know who i am...and whud i want..and trivial thoughtz like this shouldnt even be entertained...but.....it matters a little...[actually...alot but i wont admit it]....somehow...everything i attempt i feel like im average...a jack of all tradez of sortz....and the master of none...i can do it...but not well...damnit...i have issuez...i need to get rid of this....i dont need it ryte now...i really dont....but as much as i hate to admit it...it existz...and i need to work through it...but ryte now...i dont have the strength....

that little gurl trapped and hidden is reappearing....

...-I'M BACK-...

ryte...since ive got so much time on my hands now..ive decided to revive my prolonged absence from the blog-o-sphere....[lolz]....



well now...whud can we talk about??...well ive finally moved out...t.H.O..u.....S........a.....N.........D.......z of miles away. for those of you who dont know, im althoughter in a new country...*sighz*...it was a bit weird to begin with. i mean...im all on my own...literally knew no one when i came here....n yet it was like i feel like ive been handed a new lease on life. like i can start a whole new life from scratch....with ppl who knew jack bout me...free-ing...yet depressive as well...



havent been up to alot....ive only been here 3 weekz so generally not been up to much...learnin to do everything on my own now....god i hate doing laundry...[def gonna hire someone when i can affort it].....*sighz*...i sound so domesticated now...[lolz]...mum will be so proud....so anyway..uni is alot different here...im so used to knowing whud to do back in college and so used to being top of my class that having to start all over again and work my way up is an absolutely daunting task which im afraid to start...but i have to...ive got brilliant housemates so thatz a plus....but i do miss home...



i miss having all my chores done fer me..[lolz]...i miss my dogs...i miss my family and our daily shouting matches..i miss the bitchin sessions i have with my sista...i miss my frenz just being there..one call away...hanging out with em...*gosh*...i sound so depressed...its just that it took a lifetime for me find these ppl and a few hours after...im continents away....i miss just having ppl there around me....but im adjusting slowly here...met some awesome ppl here who have made the transition slightly better....aightz...getting to emo now....



but im glad i made my move....i had to run away from so many thingz back home too....i know running away doesnt solve it but it helps loads...putting a distance between me n my past has allowed me to look at things differently plus move away from it...i had a lot of issuez in my past drawer...believe me...im glad ive left it all behind..now im focusing on my present and my future...



ok...leaving all the ponderingz behind...[lolz]...whud have i been up too??...well...been busy settling in uni...loadz of work due this semester....busy settling in my new flat....eating...[lolz]...walking around everywhere...i really dont understand the english laaaa....they walk bloody everywhere....*sighz*..so not good fer my health...im going fer some street dancing class every thurs now....i myself dont know why...anyhoooz.....



OMG!!...clubbin here...is awesome...uve got every club imaginable!!...although british taste in clubbin music is a bit weird n contorted...itz not bad if you go with the right frenz and to the right place....ive been out so many places...im lovin it...[lolz]....and they have regular house parties here that are not bad as well....cuz there are mostly students staying around here so everyday is a party....[lolz].....



the weather!!!!...now that is a topic that needs a whole other post....itz getting fcukin colder now...with the wind and all....OMG!!!...im gonna freeze to death la....im so dreading winter...im kicking myself now fer complainin bout msian weather!!!......the wind and the rain...then the sudden sun...then back to the wind and rain....irritating la...really....

omg!!!...[ive realised ive like used OMG one time to many but humor me la]...on a totally random note....i just finished watching schindler's list....itz the most saddening movie ever....i think itz a true story...i totally teared at the ending....really saddening....

ryte...i think im done with the post...i'll upload pics on the next one...random ones ive been takin here....nytez...

...nonsical-isms...

gosh!!....it has been ages since ive blogged....

...- alone -...

wish you could fly away?

somewhere no one knows you?

hide away in the darkness?

sleep away the pain?

keep your insecurities hidden in that secret drawer?

cry quietly in the corner; undisturbed?

scream out your anger?

mask your contorted feelings?

trust someone without getting screwed over?

be yourself without someone stifling you?

i do.....

everyday.....

sits in the corner and crys out all sorrows

...- currently listening -...

Katherine Mcphee

Over It

I’m over your lies

And I’m over your games

I’m over you asking me

When you know I’m not okay

You call me at night

And I pick up the phone

And though you be tellin’ me

I know you’re not alone

Oh and that’s why your eyes

I’m over it

Your smile

I’m over it

Realized

I’m over it, I’m over it

I’m over

(Chorus)

Wanting you to be wanting me

No that ain’t no way to be

How I feel, read my lips

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Movin’ on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

I’m so over it

I’m over your hands

And I’m over your mouth

Trying to drag me down and fill me with self doubt

Oh and that’s why your world

I’m over it

So sure

I’m over it

I’m not your girl

I’m over it, I’m over it

I’m over

(Chorus)

Wanting you to be wanting me

No that ain’t no way to be

How I feel, read my lips

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Moving on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

So over it

I’m so over it

(Bridge)

(Oh) Don’t call, Don’t come by

Ain’t no use don’t ask me why

You’ll never change

There’ll be no more crying in the rain

No, Oh oh

I’m over it

(Chorus)

Wanting you to be wanting me

No that ain’t no way to be

How I feel, Read my lips‘

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Movin’ on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

So over it

I’m so over it

I’m over it

Wanting you to be wanting me,

No that ain’t no way to be,

How I feel, read my lips

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Movin’ on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

So over it

...- updates -...

i know....i havent been updating lately. ive been super busy. this is the first time in dayz im actually at home. i promise i'll update soon. got loadsa picz i need to photoshop and eventz i need to recall but i promise, it'll be soon.

...-!!! RATED !!!-...

yeash!!...a coupla wordz and my blog is rated this??...man..they shud update the blog rater website...have you heard the type of language those under 17 are using nowadayz??

...-idiots-...

i feel like a b.i.g. fat idiot........*ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*....screw everything la.....not worth it......

-fcuk the world...'cause it fcuked with me first-

...*title-less*...

i didnt know whud title to honor this post. im drawing blanks now people. i fear my ranting abilities are slowly depeleting. i think ive grown bored of this whole blogging thingy. i mean, your own space to rant/rave/bitch/scar n stuff is all good and shyt but, it's mesmorizing effects towards me is s...l.....o.........w...........l..............y dissapearing. i would like to cry out for help here but, i dont feel the need too. my initial hesitance in starting this blog thingy is coming back. i mean i use to laugh at my sis when she started hers ages ago. then i thought..[ hmmm...there must be something to this..] so i started mine.

in the beginning, everything was like...wow...effin exciting 'cause i was learning like css coding n html stuff to add to my blog. now, im effin fed up with it. the few people who actually read my blog and their constantly say...[ can you PLZ update ure blog??. it's not fun to read the same damn thing over and over again..]. and when i mean few people, the grand total prolly comes to 3?? i mean it's all good that their people who actually care enuff to read the moody posts i constantly upload but c'mon la.....there's only so much i can write about everyday.

so from now on, i think i'll take my blog in different directions. we'll see how it goes. till then, everyone'll just hafta be content with my moody posts....so there...*=p*....

...- dedication -...

...- there's a void within me -...

...- it's left empty now you're gone -...

...- it's your's to keep -...

...- when you come back -...

...- or if you don't -...

...- i've placed your name on the door -...

...- remember -...

...- i've loved you standing next to you -...

...- it's longing from afar now -...

...- this empty place is your's to fill again -...

...- if i let you in -...

...- you meant the world to me -...

...- you still do -...

...:: abso-fcukin-lutely fantabulous holiday ::...

i had the most fantabulous holiday a coupla dayz ago. went to lang tengah island. its this remote place la btw redang island and perhentian. pretty isolated n left on its own. there were about 30 ppl who went. willing hands members and friends. i know....a lotta people.

pretty innit??....everything was so absolutely purrrfect. the hotel we stayed in was pretty basic. out room had only the basic amenities to survive but we hardly spent any time in it, only to sleep. even that was really late. i hardly spent anytime in the room.

travelling to the island was hell. almost a whole day. our flight on thurs was at 7.20 in the mornin. debbie had hired a car to take us to the airport so we were picked up at 5 in the morning. can u imagine, sasha, gettin up at freakin 4?...i do not want to repeat that ever again. our flight was to kota bahru. we bought tix fer this airport cuz the onez to kuala terengganu were double the price. anyway, after landing, we were supposed to get on a bus and drive back to kuala terengganu, the merang jetty, to take the ferry to lang tengah. that was another freakin 3 hour drive. this was about 8.30 in the morning. beer was flowing freely throughout the whole bus ride. apparently there was a problem in checking in the crate of beer at the airport so everyone resorted to packin in a coupla cans into their bags. the beer stash was almost depleted even before reaching the island. after that, it was an hour ferry ride to the island. it felt like it was never ending.

whud party is complete with out booze. we had our fair share of it, every nyte. u name it we had it on the island. everyone brought at least one bottle each. we had limited mixers, so i was tryin out stuff that sometimez shouldnt be mixed. but the best was the skyy berry and the pepsi twist. was beyond amazing. then there was beer which was bought on the island at 190 buckz a crate. freakin robbery. there was the potent alco that eugene and corrine brought. bacardi 151. 75% BLOODY ALCO CONTENT. it freakin burns when you drink it. you suddenly become aware of your stomach and its contents. potent shyt.

halfway through the nyte, we ran out of mixers, hence the bloody plastered faces. the bacardi didnt help it either. we had james runnin around in his boxers n stuff. due to the fact that there might be underaged readers of this blog, and also to save the sight of those who arent underaged, no picz of this event will be posted.

we spent most of our time snorkelling, swimming and lazing on the beach. snorkelling was good but most of the coral around the beach area were mostly dead, so not many fishes were hanging around. we sawa coupla sharks though, n a buncha fish, but nothing that was really stunning.

we spent 4 dayz on the island. snorkelling and swimming during the day, n drinkin during the nyte. bliss!!!!....fuckin bliss. on our way back, out flight got delayed about an hr so we decided to kampung the departure hall. we all sat on the floor and played cards. demented buncha people la. but i had truckloads of fun with these demented souls, so much so that i'll definately go holidaying with em again. FER SURE!!!

leaving was the hardest part. ive never wanted to extend a holiday as much as this. *sniffles* even before the end of one holiday, mel au is already planning the next one. sighz. its either manukan island, sabah or bali or krabi, which is in the south of thailand i think. looking forward to it babe. the trip back was hell. it took the whole sunday just to get back home. we left the island at 9 in the morning cuz there was only one ferry back o the mainland and it was leaving at 9. after the ferry ride was the bus one which took 3 hours. once we reached the airport, it was a plane ride back to kl. then it was another bus ride to kl central station and then the bloody lrt to pj. i hate public transport fer a reason.

i know this blog is full of picz, cuz i didnt know whud to write about to i filled it with picz. but those picz took forever to edit. their worth the freakin effort though.

...- *moody* -...

im feeling outta sorts. i havent a clue why. im listening to this song over and over again, its like im hypnotized by it. i swear. its just playing over and over and over again. at this moment, it is at its twentieth run through i think and im just sitting here listenin to it. i dunno if im just depressed or whud, although i know for sure that im feeling something and this song is like magnifiying it tenfold. oh...for those who want to know whud song it is, its beyonce, flaws and all. swear, somethings seriously wrong with me. oh and on the same note, it reminds me of him. i lead a sad life. i need rescuing.

lame innit. on the lame topic, i watched spiderman 3 today. all i can say is, i was extremely dissapointed. the story line sucked. it was so draggy n boring that i totally tuned out, n concentrated on my popcorn. at least that was more amusing. dont get me wrong, the fight scenes n the graphics were tops, but i was bored to tears by the convo between kirsten, tobey n the other guy, their friend. i think my life has more drama in it.

the drama in my life. sighz. now thats something to reckon with. its bloody never ending. im supposed to have hols for three weeks before my next sem. guess whud?!?...i'll be lucky if i get two bloody days. im so looking forward to my redang trip. i need to chill, far away from everything. im so tired of everyone and everything. i dont know why but lately ive been thinking about him alot. thats my most tiring problem. well, its not a problem per se but...well you know how it is, it'll never end if he keeps coming back. part of me wishes he didnt, part of me is glad he did. its all a bloody see-saw i tell you. he's the part of my life that will never end. oh well.

damn it. that damn song is still playing and im listening to it like its the first time each time. im gonna be certifiably nuts soon. LOCK ME UP I TELL YOU!!!!..[ ok i'll admit, thats pretty random]..i think im just tired. sighz. i need sleep. aightz then, i think i'll end this rant session ryte here. and here is the haunting song. tribute.......

I'm a train wreck in the morning

I'm a bitch in the afternoon

Every now and then without warning

I can be really mean towards you

I'm a puzzle yes indeed

Ever-complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box

And yet, you see the picture clear as day

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love (hmm)

I neglect you when I'm working

When I need attentionI tend to nag

I'm a host of imperfection

And you see past all that

I'm a peasant by some standards

But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws

And that's exactly what I need

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love you

(ah)ha ha haa ha ha uhn!

ha ha haa ha ha uhnha ha haa ha ha uhn!

ha ha haa ha ha uhn

Don't know why you loooove me

And that's why I looove you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I looove you

And that's why I looove you

And that's why I looove you

You,You, you, oh, you, you

You, you, you

You, no, you [haa ha ha uhn]

You, you [haa ha ha uhn]

You, you.

...- perfect lurve -...

...[ perfect lurve is not receiving ]..

...[ it's giving and forgiving ]..

..[perfect lurve is not red roses on valentine's day ]..

..[ it's the rest of the three hundred and 64 days knowing you lurve someone ]..

..[ perfect lurve is not phone calls and stolen kisses ]..

..[ it's the silent smiles in memory of your sweetheart ]..

..[ perfect lurve is not a grand wedding ]..

..[ but spending a lifetime together ]..

..[ perfect lurve is not fight, kiss and make up ]..

..[ it's lurving the one who annoys the hell outta you ]..

..[ do you lurve someone perfectly?? ]..

...- a great big fat WHY -...

...when im slowly breaking these walls that i surround myself with...

...why do you make me build them up again??...

...when im slowly beginning to trust you...

...why do you make me mistrust more??...

...when i am slowly feeling less pain around me...

...why do you show me so much more??...

...when i am slowly picking up the pieces...

...why are you scattering them more??...

...when im tearing less...

...why do you make me cry even more??...

...when i had a choice...

...why did i choose you??...

...when i am beginning to feel comfortable...

...why do you make me feel so uneasy??...

...even when all i do is resist...

...why do you insist on pulling me down to your level??...

...why cant you just let me be the person i want to be and should be??...

... instead of being something you want...

...all i seem to be doing is screaming out my true self who is forced to hide...

...constantly protraying an imposter more suited to your standards...

...how is it possible to feel so alone in a world filled with people...

...why do the small things that people who matter to us hurt ten times more??...

...how can i sit back and say that nothing bothers me when everything does??...

...why hold all your feelings inside but then again why publish it to the whole damn world??...

...its not like it gives a damn...

...i have no more fight in me left...

...cry a tear for anyone who is forced to be something they're not...

...just to fulfill someone's selfish needs...

...the chapter isnt closed yet...

...the book not yet finished...

...its just getting started...

...- attention -...

[...- is it too much to ask fer some attention?? -...]

[...- why arent you givin it to me?? -...]

[...-it hurts when the one who you crave attention from the most -...]

[...- is the last one who gives it to you -...]

*throws all my feelingz into a box, slams it hard and burns it*

...- my visual personality -...

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