...nonsical-isms...

gosh!!....it has been ages since ive blogged....

...- alone -...

wish you could fly away?

somewhere no one knows you?

hide away in the darkness?

sleep away the pain?

keep your insecurities hidden in that secret drawer?

cry quietly in the corner; undisturbed?

scream out your anger?

mask your contorted feelings?

trust someone without getting screwed over?

be yourself without someone stifling you?

i do.....

everyday.....

sits in the corner and crys out all sorrows

...- currently listening -...

Katherine Mcphee

Over It

I’m over your lies

And I’m over your games

I’m over you asking me

When you know I’m not okay

You call me at night

And I pick up the phone

And though you be tellin’ me

I know you’re not alone

Oh and that’s why your eyes

I’m over it

Your smile

I’m over it

Realized

I’m over it, I’m over it

I’m over

(Chorus)

Wanting you to be wanting me

No that ain’t no way to be

How I feel, read my lips

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Movin’ on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

I’m so over it

I’m over your hands

And I’m over your mouth

Trying to drag me down and fill me with self doubt

Oh and that’s why your world

I’m over it

So sure

I’m over it

I’m not your girl

I’m over it, I’m over it

I’m over

(Chorus)

Wanting you to be wanting me

No that ain’t no way to be

How I feel, read my lips

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Moving on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

So over it

I’m so over it

(Bridge)

(Oh) Don’t call, Don’t come by

Ain’t no use don’t ask me why

You’ll never change

There’ll be no more crying in the rain

No, Oh oh

I’m over it

(Chorus)

Wanting you to be wanting me

No that ain’t no way to be

How I feel, Read my lips‘

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Movin’ on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

So over it

I’m so over it

I’m over it

Wanting you to be wanting me,

No that ain’t no way to be,

How I feel, read my lips

Because I’m so over

(I’m so over it)

Movin’ on and it’s my time

You never were a friend of mine

Hurt at first, a little bit

But now I’m so over

So over it

...- updates -...

i know....i havent been updating lately. ive been super busy. this is the first time in dayz im actually at home. i promise i'll update soon. got loadsa picz i need to photoshop and eventz i need to recall but i promise, it'll be soon.

...-!!! RATED !!!-...

yeash!!...a coupla wordz and my blog is rated this??...man..they shud update the blog rater website...have you heard the type of language those under 17 are using nowadayz??

...-idiots-...

i feel like a b.i.g. fat idiot........*ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*....screw everything la.....not worth it......

-fcuk the world...'cause it fcuked with me first-

...*title-less*...

i didnt know whud title to honor this post. im drawing blanks now people. i fear my ranting abilities are slowly depeleting. i think ive grown bored of this whole blogging thingy. i mean, your own space to rant/rave/bitch/scar n stuff is all good and shyt but, it's mesmorizing effects towards me is s...l.....o.........w...........l..............y dissapearing. i would like to cry out for help here but, i dont feel the need too. my initial hesitance in starting this blog thingy is coming back. i mean i use to laugh at my sis when she started hers ages ago. then i thought..[ hmmm...there must be something to this..] so i started mine.

in the beginning, everything was like...wow...effin exciting 'cause i was learning like css coding n html stuff to add to my blog. now, im effin fed up with it. the few people who actually read my blog and their constantly say...[ can you PLZ update ure blog??. it's not fun to read the same damn thing over and over again..]. and when i mean few people, the grand total prolly comes to 3?? i mean it's all good that their people who actually care enuff to read the moody posts i constantly upload but c'mon la.....there's only so much i can write about everyday.

so from now on, i think i'll take my blog in different directions. we'll see how it goes. till then, everyone'll just hafta be content with my moody posts....so there...*=p*....

...- dedication -...

...- there's a void within me -...

...- it's left empty now you're gone -...

...- it's your's to keep -...

...- when you come back -...

...- or if you don't -...

...- i've placed your name on the door -...

...- remember -...

...- i've loved you standing next to you -...

...- it's longing from afar now -...

...- this empty place is your's to fill again -...

...- if i let you in -...

...- you meant the world to me -...

...- you still do -...

...:: abso-fcukin-lutely fantabulous holiday ::...

i had the most fantabulous holiday a coupla dayz ago. went to lang tengah island. its this remote place la btw redang island and perhentian. pretty isolated n left on its own. there were about 30 ppl who went. willing hands members and friends. i know....a lotta people.

pretty innit??....everything was so absolutely purrrfect. the hotel we stayed in was pretty basic. out room had only the basic amenities to survive but we hardly spent any time in it, only to sleep. even that was really late. i hardly spent anytime in the room.

travelling to the island was hell. almost a whole day. our flight on thurs was at 7.20 in the mornin. debbie had hired a car to take us to the airport so we were picked up at 5 in the morning. can u imagine, sasha, gettin up at freakin 4?...i do not want to repeat that ever again. our flight was to kota bahru. we bought tix fer this airport cuz the onez to kuala terengganu were double the price. anyway, after landing, we were supposed to get on a bus and drive back to kuala terengganu, the merang jetty, to take the ferry to lang tengah. that was another freakin 3 hour drive. this was about 8.30 in the morning. beer was flowing freely throughout the whole bus ride. apparently there was a problem in checking in the crate of beer at the airport so everyone resorted to packin in a coupla cans into their bags. the beer stash was almost depleted even before reaching the island. after that, it was an hour ferry ride to the island. it felt like it was never ending.

whud party is complete with out booze. we had our fair share of it, every nyte. u name it we had it on the island. everyone brought at least one bottle each. we had limited mixers, so i was tryin out stuff that sometimez shouldnt be mixed. but the best was the skyy berry and the pepsi twist. was beyond amazing. then there was beer which was bought on the island at 190 buckz a crate. freakin robbery. there was the potent alco that eugene and corrine brought. bacardi 151. 75% BLOODY ALCO CONTENT. it freakin burns when you drink it. you suddenly become aware of your stomach and its contents. potent shyt.

halfway through the nyte, we ran out of mixers, hence the bloody plastered faces. the bacardi didnt help it either. we had james runnin around in his boxers n stuff. due to the fact that there might be underaged readers of this blog, and also to save the sight of those who arent underaged, no picz of this event will be posted.

we spent most of our time snorkelling, swimming and lazing on the beach. snorkelling was good but most of the coral around the beach area were mostly dead, so not many fishes were hanging around. we sawa coupla sharks though, n a buncha fish, but nothing that was really stunning.

we spent 4 dayz on the island. snorkelling and swimming during the day, n drinkin during the nyte. bliss!!!!....fuckin bliss. on our way back, out flight got delayed about an hr so we decided to kampung the departure hall. we all sat on the floor and played cards. demented buncha people la. but i had truckloads of fun with these demented souls, so much so that i'll definately go holidaying with em again. FER SURE!!!

leaving was the hardest part. ive never wanted to extend a holiday as much as this. *sniffles* even before the end of one holiday, mel au is already planning the next one. sighz. its either manukan island, sabah or bali or krabi, which is in the south of thailand i think. looking forward to it babe. the trip back was hell. it took the whole sunday just to get back home. we left the island at 9 in the morning cuz there was only one ferry back o the mainland and it was leaving at 9. after the ferry ride was the bus one which took 3 hours. once we reached the airport, it was a plane ride back to kl. then it was another bus ride to kl central station and then the bloody lrt to pj. i hate public transport fer a reason.

i know this blog is full of picz, cuz i didnt know whud to write about to i filled it with picz. but those picz took forever to edit. their worth the freakin effort though.

...- *moody* -...

im feeling outta sorts. i havent a clue why. im listening to this song over and over again, its like im hypnotized by it. i swear. its just playing over and over and over again. at this moment, it is at its twentieth run through i think and im just sitting here listenin to it. i dunno if im just depressed or whud, although i know for sure that im feeling something and this song is like magnifiying it tenfold. oh...for those who want to know whud song it is, its beyonce, flaws and all. swear, somethings seriously wrong with me. oh and on the same note, it reminds me of him. i lead a sad life. i need rescuing.

lame innit. on the lame topic, i watched spiderman 3 today. all i can say is, i was extremely dissapointed. the story line sucked. it was so draggy n boring that i totally tuned out, n concentrated on my popcorn. at least that was more amusing. dont get me wrong, the fight scenes n the graphics were tops, but i was bored to tears by the convo between kirsten, tobey n the other guy, their friend. i think my life has more drama in it.

the drama in my life. sighz. now thats something to reckon with. its bloody never ending. im supposed to have hols for three weeks before my next sem. guess whud?!?...i'll be lucky if i get two bloody days. im so looking forward to my redang trip. i need to chill, far away from everything. im so tired of everyone and everything. i dont know why but lately ive been thinking about him alot. thats my most tiring problem. well, its not a problem per se but...well you know how it is, it'll never end if he keeps coming back. part of me wishes he didnt, part of me is glad he did. its all a bloody see-saw i tell you. he's the part of my life that will never end. oh well.

damn it. that damn song is still playing and im listening to it like its the first time each time. im gonna be certifiably nuts soon. LOCK ME UP I TELL YOU!!!!..[ ok i'll admit, thats pretty random]..i think im just tired. sighz. i need sleep. aightz then, i think i'll end this rant session ryte here. and here is the haunting song. tribute.......

I'm a train wreck in the morning

I'm a bitch in the afternoon

Every now and then without warning

I can be really mean towards you

I'm a puzzle yes indeed

Ever-complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box

And yet, you see the picture clear as day

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love (hmm)

I neglect you when I'm working

When I need attentionI tend to nag

I'm a host of imperfection

And you see past all that

I'm a peasant by some standards

But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws

And that's exactly what I need

I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love you

And that's why I love you

(ah)ha ha haa ha ha uhn!

ha ha haa ha ha uhnha ha haa ha ha uhn!

ha ha haa ha ha uhn

Don't know why you loooove me

And that's why I looove you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I looove you

And that's why I looove you

And that's why I looove you

You,You, you, oh, you, you

You, you, you

You, no, you [haa ha ha uhn]

You, you [haa ha ha uhn]

You, you.

...- perfect lurve -...

...[ perfect lurve is not receiving ]..

...[ it's giving and forgiving ]..

..[perfect lurve is not red roses on valentine's day ]..

..[ it's the rest of the three hundred and 64 days knowing you lurve someone ]..

..[ perfect lurve is not phone calls and stolen kisses ]..

..[ it's the silent smiles in memory of your sweetheart ]..

..[ perfect lurve is not a grand wedding ]..

..[ but spending a lifetime together ]..

..[ perfect lurve is not fight, kiss and make up ]..

..[ it's lurving the one who annoys the hell outta you ]..

..[ do you lurve someone perfectly?? ]..

...- a great big fat WHY -...

...when im slowly breaking these walls that i surround myself with...

...why do you make me build them up again??...

...when im slowly beginning to trust you...

...why do you make me mistrust more??...

...when i am slowly feeling less pain around me...

...why do you show me so much more??...

...when i am slowly picking up the pieces...

...why are you scattering them more??...

...when im tearing less...

...why do you make me cry even more??...

...when i had a choice...

...why did i choose you??...

...when i am beginning to feel comfortable...

...why do you make me feel so uneasy??...

...even when all i do is resist...

...why do you insist on pulling me down to your level??...

...why cant you just let me be the person i want to be and should be??...

... instead of being something you want...

...all i seem to be doing is screaming out my true self who is forced to hide...

...constantly protraying an imposter more suited to your standards...

...how is it possible to feel so alone in a world filled with people...

...why do the small things that people who matter to us hurt ten times more??...

...how can i sit back and say that nothing bothers me when everything does??...

...why hold all your feelings inside but then again why publish it to the whole damn world??...

...its not like it gives a damn...

...i have no more fight in me left...

...cry a tear for anyone who is forced to be something they're not...

...just to fulfill someone's selfish needs...

...the chapter isnt closed yet...

...the book not yet finished...

...its just getting started...

...- attention -...

[...- is it too much to ask fer some attention?? -...]

[...- why arent you givin it to me?? -...]

[...-it hurts when the one who you crave attention from the most -...]

[...- is the last one who gives it to you -...]

*throws all my feelingz into a box, slams it hard and burns it*

...- my visual personality -...

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

...- famaliarity -...

...[-W h y do i still feel like a stranger-]...

...::[- in surroundingz so famaliar -]::...

TAGGED : 10 Thingz You Thought You Knew About Me !!!

Rules of the game :

**Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself.

**People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.

**At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!

1) i spend most of my time on a computer, but i swear to god, comz hate me. i think they can feel my presense and everytime i use one, thatz the time la it'll choose to have a bitch fit. Irritating!!they just dont like me. period.

2) ive got this weird thing. i have to have my alone time. as in i dont talk to anyone.

3) i believe in mood music. what i listen too at the time is based on my mood, everytime!!

4) weird fact : math was my fav subject in school. yuh, even add mathz!!

5)im a terrible procrastinator. i mean the worst. i leave everything to the last minute.

6) ive got this habit. when i meet someone or a group of new people, i have this thing where i sit back and watch everyone. im quiet during this time [ i know hard to believe ryte??...me ?? quiet?..]. i watch everyone and then see who i can click with...

7) i absolutely love gettin tattooed. the pain is addictive.

8) when i find something i love, i put my heart and soul into it.

9) i need to finish whatever i start. i need to see it end. closure n the sorts.

10) last but not least. i hate these tagged thingyz. but eliza made me do it....*-_-*

TAGGED :

...::- darren -::...

...::- julia -::...

...::- miss jasmine kow -::...

...::- bindiya "bhander" kaur -::...

...::- michelle -::...

...::- ally b -::...

...- amazing amountz of boredom -...

itz freakin 6 now. just got home from my college's futsal tourny. before that went appartment shopping with jay ,who, btw is moving out. sighz!!! met jayz friend, D, and another gurl, K. people have really funny weird characters sometimes. was an extremely tiring morning. i thought i could sleep in. so anyway, coming back to the apartment shopping, i picked jay up and met her friends in the lrt station. entered the car.....*silence is fer suspense*....i hear bloody indian classical music. [ im as proud to be an indian as much as the next indian but C'MON la....at freakin 11 in the mornin??....too much fer me]. so yeah, i had to deal with that.

gettin back to my story, we met the realtor agent in kj so he could show us the way to the appartment. sighz*...what a sorry state it was in. i mean, ever heard of maintenence uh ppl?. wallz looked like they havent been painted in centuries, door frames that were prolly fixed in the 1700's and the toilets....*OMG*....bacteria would think twice before breeding in there la. to say it was filthy would be actually callin it clean. we asked if the owner was going to paint the appartment and fix it up a bit, the realtor was like..."erm no.....the owner said what you see is what you get.". somemore asking fer like RM800 per month. i would stay there even if you paid me la wei.

dissapointment 1. then we went to this other place, crimson something or other. quite a nice place. the pool is B-E-A-UTIFUL. seriously, no exaggeration. and the rent there is effin cheap. 800 also but with a pool and a gym and at least the appartment was clean. jay n her friend fell in love with it so she paid 1 mths deposit.

now coming back to the part where i was pissed. jayz friend really pissed me off today. it's like this, public transport is a major concern fer the both of them because neither of them have a car. so we drove around looking for the bus stops and all that la. we found the nearest one and both me n jay got down. i looked to see if she got down too but she DIDNT. i was like WTF?? who is the one whos gonna stay here??..why the fcuk am i getting down and looking at the damn bus routes?. even when we went to view the place and all, she never freaking opened her mouth and talked to the realtors and all. jay and i were doing that. i thinkin, "im not the one movin g in but im more concerned about it than she is." stoopid cow!!! she was more interested in talkin to her friend, who, btw, i didnt like either. poor jay. good luck to you gurl. jay was the one busy running around looking fer a proper place and dealing with the realtors. and the best part i saved for last. this gurl, D, is moving out of her current appartment. to do that you have to give notice to the owner renting it out to you. so she did give 2 mths notice. n guess when she has to move out...BY THE END OF THIS MTH!!!!. and shez goin to hanoi on the 27th. i tell you, gurl's a genius man. she knew fer 2 mths that she had to move out and she leaves it to the last min. i mean, i support all procrastinators, since im one myself, but leaving this to the last min is absolutly nutz. she keeps saying that she wants to move b4 the 27th. BOLLOCKS!!!...how the hell is jay supposed to come up with the deposit of 2300 b4 the 27th.

god!!...some people are just not born with sense i guess. so jayz moving away and im still stuck at home, which not to say is a bad thing. i dont have xtra things to worry about like bills and the rent. i'll take my time and move out. im sure i'll know when the time is right.

...-*sheepish grin*-...

i might have over reacted a bit. *afterthought* actually i over reacted alot!!. sorry b....but you're still my -wrong kinda ryte-.....

...-itz over i think-...

i feel happier now, of sorts. its amazing how the words "love you b" can anger someone in an instant. deep down i know whud i decided is for the best, but why does it still hurt. you mean nothing to me yet it seems like your everything. you cant decide but yet i still suffer. i promised not to cry, still tears threaten to fall. you constantly do this. you make all the effort in the beginning, but it dies off when i show interest. i think this pain i always feel is specially reserved for you, cuz only you can evoke it. i think i did successfully move away from you, but you came back, and now you're leaving again. my heart tells me to stay, but my brain, the only logical side of me is telling me to get the fuck away from you. i saw you today, and for the life of me i wanted to tell you all this, but i didnt. i keep it inside me, and it eats me everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. you dont call no more. you dont msg. even with all these signs, i still have that little hope. i know i shouldnt, but i do. you have that effect on me, and i know you know. you use it to your advantage and i hate you for it. you lied to me. plain and simple. at this point i dont know the truth but i feel you lied, you asshole. come back home and then we'll see. i still feel like fuck. im frustrated with all this xtra shyt i hafta deal with. i dont need the drama.

- get the fuck outta my life -

...- L O V E -...

...why does it have to be so complicated??...

...why just cant it be simple??...

...a simple yes or no won't suffice...

...you need all the xtra drama...

...sometimez i just want you to leave me be...

...so i dont need to deal...

...sighz...

...just when i thought it was over...

...it rears itz ugly head...

...whud happened to no commitmentz??...

...-randomness-...

some random thoughts for the week.....total randomness....